Arsenal America

“The adventures continue…

When last we saw our prehistoric hero, he was unconscious, held captive in Orchard Park, NY, by the Evil Yevgheny and his dolorous young henchwoman, Miss Prunella Face. The unlikely trio was on its way to One Bills Drive – Ralph Wilson Stadium – home of the Buffalo Bills!

On a chilly autumn morning on the Niagara Frontier, a biting wind blows across the field. The limp body of a usually vigorous guy in a dino outfit lies helplessly in the western end zone of the stadium. 80,000 empty seats stare down, forlornly.

The evil European stands hands on hips over his antediluvian antagonist, cackling wildly. “”You are not so standing tall now, Mr. Guy In A 7′6″” Dinosaur Suit guy, you!”" he shouts, gleefully. “”You shall not foil our mission to sabotage plans of Arsenal America fan club ever again!”"

To his left, Miss Face daintily swabs a tear from her cheek with a lace Laura Ashley handkerchief. You know, the kind with the little pastel flower pattern embroidered around the edge.

“”Why you are so sad on this occasion, dollink?”" asks Yevgheny. “”You should be glad now that we are about to achieve first part of our glorious plot!”"

“”Oh, sod off, you cretin!”" shouts the pouting ingenue. “”You didn’t even notice this bloke, denying you at every turn, until I pointed him out to you. As if it would be hard to notice someone in such attire! Besides, I’m not crying, it’s just – it’s just the wind. Now, go get the chicken and we’ll do him in.”" As Yevgheny strides toward the door to the visitors’ locker room, Prunella mutters, “”Perhaps this time they are tears… of joy…”"

Just then, our fuzzy friend begins to awaken from his drug-induced slumber, and quickly sizes up his predicament. Not only is he being held captive, and under the influence of the Mickey slipped to him by that bartender, but he’s also lying on a field of… Astroturf™!! Sensing a horrible allergic reaction in the offing, he reaches for his wristwatch and presses a button.

High above Ralph Wilson stadium, in a luxuriously appointed, high-tech suite, an alarm goes off. The suite is the home, of course, of Buffalo Billy, the mascot of the Buffalo Bills! A broad-shouldered blue American Bison, Billy leaps up at the sound of the mascot alert. He immediately glances at his mascot monitor and realizes the trouble is right there on the field of the stadium! After notifying Mascot Central, he sets off to rescue our fallen hero.

Meanwhile, down on the field, Yevgheny returns from the visitors’ locker room accompanied by a guy in a 6′4″” chicken outfit, with an ugly white jersey and goofy looking blue shorts. He bears an uncanny resemblance to the mascot of a certain North London soccer team. “”All right, chicken guy, you know what to do,”" instructs Yevgheny.

As the white-shirted one steps forward to do his foul, fowl, duty (so to speak), Buffalo Billy bursts on the scene, accompanied by a gaggle of mascots from around the region – including B. J. Birdy of the Toronto Blue Jays, and Pittsburgh’s own Pirate Parrot. A battle royal ensues, with fake fur and feathers flying everywhere! Unfortunately for our protagonist, the guy in the goofy white and blue outfit is prevailing.

Suddenly, down from the stands swoops the Famous Chicken from San Diego (formerly known as the San Diego Chicken)! As the other mascots stand aside in awe, the Famous One strides purposefully toward his adversary, rolling up his sleeves. “”I just flew in from The Coast, and boy are my wings tired,”" he quips. More agile than the others, he darts around the North Londoner and pulls down his goofy blue shorts – revealing a pair of even goofier oversized undershorts with huge red polka dots! The Famous One then flits over to Yevgheny, whips out a hand towel, and starts shining Yevgheny’s already chromy dome!

Finally, the strains of “”Besame Mucho”" begin to pipe in from the stadium’s loudspeakers and The San Diegan puckers up and amorously approaches Prunella. As Miss Face recoils in horror, the Famous Chicken twists his beak in a grotesque display of humor! The three (Yevgheny, Prunella, and the not-so-famous chicken) run for their very lives, piling uncomfortably into a 1984 two-door Lada, off to an undisclosed destination.

As things wind down in Orchard Park, the magnificent mascots relax by the south side of Ralph Wilson Stadium, inside Buffalo Billy’s greenhouse, munching on their own personal choice of alfalfa grass, baby Kansas sunflower seed, or marsh fern, all served with a delightful, yet not too obtrusive, vinaigrette. Our prehistoric hero is reinvigorated, not only by the marsh fern and vinaigrette, but also by the refreshing martinis proffered to all by the Buffalo Jills, the Bills cheerleaders, who have just returned from an adventure of their own.

“