Arsenal America

An outstanding effort Jason…

Submitted by Jason Waldman (HIS COMMENTS IN ALL CAPS)

‘I’ve lost all my faith in Enic.’ Not Spurs, or Glenn Hoddle, but Enic. (HAVING FAITH IN SPURS IS LIKE HAVING FAITH IN CONGRESS)

As Leeds and Aston Villa fans can testify, blaming the board is scarcely unique, but a Tottenham fan’s reaction to the defeat to West Ham was indicative of the atmosphere at White Hart Lane. (YOU MEAN THE GUY WAS DEAD?)

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Hoddle’s second anniversary at Tottenham - or his second second anniversary - should have seen a celebration of the return of Spurs’ prodigal son. (WELL, THEY HAVE A BUNCH OF CLOWNS ALREADY)

Whether it is a reflection of Hoddle’s glorious playing career or a simple recognition of reality by the White Hart Lane faithful, but the influence of Enic - and its successor, Kondar (THE BARBARIAN?) - is invoked when Tottenham’s last signing, Kazuyuki Toda is mentioned.

It may be unfair on the Japanese international to suggest he has been signed for his commercial value rather than his footballing attributes. (LORD KNOWS THE REST OF SPURS PLAYERS WEREN’T SIGNED FOR THEIR FOOTBALLING ATTRIBUTES EITHER) However, the masked midfielder of the World Cup is yet to play but Spurs appear to be doing a roaring trade in Toda replica shirts. (IN PART DUE TO ALL THE STAR WARS GEEKS MISTAKENLY THINKING THE SHIRT SAYS ‘YODA’ ON THE BACK)

And, to Hoddle’s frustration, Spurs nonetheless exited the January transfer window with a weaker squad, especially in attack. (WHICH I DIDN’T THINK WAS POSSIBLE) The departures of Les Ferdinand and Sergei Rebrov, coupled with Robbie Keane’s injury, led to the lumbering Gary Doherty leading the line recently; it was enough to evoke memories of George Graham’s strange loan signing of Andy Booth. (SEE ALSO: SIGNINGS, MOST LUDICROUS)

The ultimate target, as everyone knows, remains Real Madrid’s out-of-favour finisher Fernando Morientes, whose Inzaghi-esque disdain for how goals are scored (providing they are) would complement the more delicate flicks of Keane. (KEEPING WITH THE SPIRIT OF THE SPURS’ MOTTO: “WE’LL TAKE YOUR WASHED UP PLAYERS AND PROVE YOU WERE RIGHT!”)

But Morientes represents Spurs’ Catch 22; he won’t join unless they qualify for Europe, without him they are unlikely to. (WITH HIM, THEY WERE JUST SLIGHTLY LESS UNLIKELY TO) Before the pursuit of Morientes, however, a European place was Hoddle’s stated objective, whereas Charlton and Southampton may be more concerned by their final league positions.

Two UEFA Cups - one in Hoddle’s playing days - contribute to Europe’s mythical status at White Hart Lane; (MYTHICAL AS IN NO LIVING PERSON HAS EVER SEEN IT) perhaps the memory of Carl Leaburn in the Anglo-Italian Cup makes Charlton more focused on the Premiership.

But defeat at Bolton leaves Tottenham tenth with a solitary win in their last seven Premiership games; a run to the semi-finals of the Cup Winners’ Cup with Chelsea is set to remain Hoddle’s only European experience in management for another year. (CHELSEA FAILED TO WIN A MEANINGFUL TROPHY? YOU DON’T SAY!)

So, after a gain of just two league places in as many years, was Daniel Levy, the force behind both Enic and Kondar wrong to take Hoddle back to White Hart Lane? (HE COULD HAVE BROUGHT IN THE ENTIRE BRAZILIAN NATIONAL TEAM AND THEY’D STILL BE IN TENTH)

Sacking Graham (aka ‘The Man in the Raincoat’) (INSERT FLASHER JOKE HERE) was a popular move; replacing an Arsenal legend with a Spurs great still more so. (WHO WANTS TO WIN ANYTHING ANYWAY?) Surely their classiest player could bring back the style associated with Tottenham and banish the memories of dour goalless draws? (TO QUOTE SCOTTY, “I’M NOT A MIRACLE WORKER!”)

Two years on, Hoddle’s side are among the most entertaining in the Premiership. (ESPECIALLY FOR SUPPORTERS OF OTHER CLUBS WHO WANT TO WATCH THEIR SIDE SCORE) His spells with England and Southampton were noted more for defensive excellence than all-out attack, but Tottenham’s passing tradition is alive and well. (YES, THE TRADITION OF LETTING HALF THE TABLE PASS OVER THEM IS CERTAINLY ALIVE AND WELL)

And Graham’s side have been broken up, Hoddle forging a team both older and younger than his predecessor’s and discarding some of the mediocrity he inherited. (AND REPLACING IT WITH EVEN MORE MEDIOCRITY)

Bringing back Teddy Sheringham and signing Gus Poyet were short-term gambles (MUCH LIKE BETTING ON IRAQ IN THE WAR), justified by their performances but not by the failure to reach Europe. But with Spurs’ pensioners growing closer to retirement, Hoddle is searching for successors. (HE’S GOING NAME BY NAME THROUGH THE PHONE BOOK)

And with Sheringham’s 37th birthday beckoning, Spurs’ attack has become increasingly reliant on the beguiling Keane, whose inconsistency mirrors his team’s. On his day - as in the 4-3 win over Everton - he is unstoppable; off-form, his spurned chances contributed to the Worthington Cup exit at Burnley. (I CAN’T EVEN MAKE A JOKE FUNNIER THAN THAT!)

Keane, though, is very much a successful signing; the question, increasingly, is who partners him next year. Kevin Phillips may be less choosy than Morientes, but the suspicion remains that Keane and Phillips would both be happier playing off Michael Ricketts, the long-term Hoddle target poached by Middlesbrough. (ACTUALLY, THEY’D BOTH BE HAPPIER PLAYING ELSEWHERE, BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT)

Poyet, who can still be a highly capable substitute, could be eased out of the team next year. Simon Davies, improving every season, has both the goalscoring instinct and the pace to take on the mantle of the main attacking midfielder.

Strange as it may seem, replacing Steffen Freund could be harder. The niggly German, not the first player to question Hoddle’s man-management skills, will not be offered a new contract. Tim Sherwood, an adversary of the Spurs boss, has gone; Toda, so far, only occupies the bench. (MAKING HIM SPURS MOST CONSISTENT PLAYER)

As this season has proved, neither Goran Bunjevcevic or Jamie Redknapp is ideally suited to an anchor role, so ‘defensive midfielder’ will surely be added to ’striker’ on Hoddle’s summer shopping list. (NEXT TO ATTACKING MIDFIELDER, KEEPER, DEFENDER…)

In defence, the current problem is not personnel as much as fitness. A Spurs injury crisis is like Ben Thatcher’s presence in the team; it happens every year and no one knows why. (AS DOES A SPURS PERFORMANCE CRISIS)

But Dean Richards has proved a decent replacement for Sol Campbell (WHICH IS LIKE REPLACING SINATRA WITH BILL MURRAY’S LOUNGE SINGER FROM SNL) and, if Ledley King can ally concentration to his undoubted ability and Stephen Carr doesn’t follow the former captain across North London (APPARENTLY, CARR KEEPS BEGGING SOL TO SNEAK HIM INTO HIGHBURY, JUST SO HE CAN SEE WHAT A TROPHY ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE), Hoddle can focus his attentions elsewhere.

So perhaps the league table can lie. Two years under Hoddle have brought progress (THEY COULDN’T REGRESS, THAT’S FOR SURE); a passing, tactically flexible side with a sprinkling of excellent if often inconsistent players who have been tantalisingly close to that elusive European spot. (ABOUT AS CLOSE AS WEST HAM IS)

But after the let-down of the January transfer window, Kondar have a chance to restore the faith of both the Spurs faithful and their manager in the summer. (BY HYPNOTIZING THEM AND TELLING THEM THEY’RE ARSENAL!)