Arsenal America’s Senior Humor Contributor, not one to shy from ridiculing the ridiculous, gives the ALL CAPS treatment to one of the BBC Online’s most recent Becks stories.
England footballer David Beckham has arrived in Japan on a SELF-promotional tour, hours after it was announced that he was moving to Real Madrid.
Beckham is moving to the Spanish club in a deal worth $41.3m, after 13 years with Manchester United. THAT’S JUST A HAIR OVER WHAT THEY PAID FOR NIC ANELKA, AND LOOK HOW HE TURNED OUT.
He has a huge following in Japan I HADN’T HEARD, and fans waiting for his arrival at Narita airport said that his move would not dampen his popularity.
“I don’t care who he plays for OR IF HE PLAYS, FOR THAT MATTER, I will still love him,” said 26-year-old Rie Yamanaka.
Manchester United enjoy a huge popularity across Asia I HADN’T HEARD THAT, EITHER, and in Japan that is in large measure due to Beckham. FOR WHATEVER REASON…
“I am sure Manchester United’s popularity will decline,” said Yu Nagaya, 15, who has a dyed-blond haircut modelled on his hero’s coiffure. AND I THOUGHT HE WAS EMULATING JUNICHI INAMOTO…
The news of Beckham’s move came after weeks of speculation, with Barcelona, AC Milan and Inter Milan, AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE also chasing the England star.
But Real Madrid, who initially denied they wanted to sign him, AND DENIAL IS USUALLY THE FIRST SIGN, swooped late to lure Beckham to the Bernabeu, where he will play alongside Zinedine Zidane, Luis Figo, Ronaldo and Raul. OR, HE’LL RIDE THE PINES WITH MACMANAMAN.
Beckham had been increasingly at odds with Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson, after he had been left on the substitute’s bench several times last season. AND BEEN HIT IN THE BROW WITH AN ERRANT BOOT.
But he paid tribute to his former boss, in a statement issued as he arrived in Japan. OH, YEAH, I FORGOT. THIS IS A SELF-PROMOTIONAL TOUR.
“I would like to publicly thank Sir Alex Ferguson for making me the player I am today, ‘CUZ I SURE DIDN’T THANK HIM PRIVATELY,” he said.
“I wish Manchester United the best of luck, BECAUSE WITHOUT THE LIKES OF ME-SELF, THEY’LL NEED IT. NOT THAT I’M FULL OF ME-SELF OR ANYTHING.”
Beckham’s image is as ubiquitous as his popularity in Japan, where it, NOT ‘HE’, sells products from engine oil to chocolate, beauty salons HMM… to mobile phones.
Last year a three metre-high chocolate statue of the footballer was created by confectionery manufacturer, Meiji Seika, one of a number of companies which pays him for endorsements. WHAT? NOT A THREE-METRE HIGH CHOCOLATE STATUE? LET’S NOT QUIBBLE ABOUT THE WHOLE SPELLING ISSUE, BBC, JUST PLEASE PROPERLY HYPHENATE YOUR COMPOUND MODIFIERS!
(Ed. note - Umm, actually Rex, I think they have it right. They are modifying ‘high’, not ‘metre’)
Known as Beckham-Sama, or Prince Beckham, he is expected to be met by large crowds as he tours the country with his wife, Victoria. YEAH, AND IN JAPAN, I’M KNOWN AS GUNNERSAURUS-SAMA-LAMA-DING-DONG.
It is his image (AS OPPOSED TO HIS REALITY?) as a family man that is part of his attraction to the Japanese.
A BBC correspondent in Tokyo says that his Japanese corporate sponsors can be confident his THREE-METRE HIGH CHOCOLATE STATUE’S standing there will not be affected by the move to Real.
“He will take his fans with him to whichever club he joins,” said Makiko Kiraga, 29, as she waited for a glimpse of his IMAGE’S arrival.
DARE I PARAPHRASE THE EINY? “ONE LIFE. ONE LOVE. ONE CLUB!”
-G. REX
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