Arsenal America

I thought with some of the heavy things going on in the football world, we could all use a laugh. So here’s Sp*rs! As always, MY COMMENTS IN CAPS.

- Jason Waldman

Tottenham new boy Helder Postiga will take over former captain Teddy Sheringham’s number ten shirt. (SP*RS PAID POSTIGA SO MUCH THAT IT REALLY IS THE EXACT SAME SHIRT THAT SHERINGHAM WORE LAST SEASON)

Manager Glenn Hoddle, who wore number ten in his own playing days at White Hart Lane (EVIDENTLY, TEN IS A POPULAR NUMBER AT THE LANE, REPRESENTING WHERE SP*RS TYPICALLY FINISH IN THE TABLE), will let Postiga take Sheringham’s squad number as well as his place alongside Robbie Keane in the team.

The 20-year-old helped fired Porto to the Portuguese double as well as the UEFA Cup last season (MEANING HE OFFICIALLY HAS MORE TROPHIES THAN THE SP*RS TROPHY CASE), and believes Spurs have the players to achieve similar success. (EVIDENTLY, POSTIGA DOESN’T DO RESEARCH BEFORE SIGNING ON)

`I wore the number 41 shirt at Porto but I would like the number 10 here (POSTIGA REALIZED THAT EVEN SP*RS CAN’T FIND A WAY TO FINISH 41ST IN A 20 TEAM LEAGUE),’ said Postiga. `An important factor in my success at Porto was my relationship with the fans, it was very special for me, and I hope to forge the same kind of bond with the Spurs supporters. (TO THAT END, HE’S GOING TO BECOME VERY DEPRESSED AND JEER HIMSELF WHEN HE WALKS IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, JUST TO UNDERSTAND THE SP*RS FAN)

`I do not know a great deal about Spurs (WE FIGURED THAT WHEN YOU SIGNED WITH THEM) but I know they have great tradition and prestige. (EVEN HODDLE STARTED LAUGHING WHEN HE HEARD THAT) They were very interested in me and it didn’t take a lot of persuasion for me to sign.

`I see this as a big challenge for me (NO KIDDING) and I have to be willing to take that on at this stage of my career - I have to move forward. (SO HE SIGNED WITH A CLUB WHO’S MANAGER THINKS HE’S BACK IN THE ‘60S)

`I want to help bring this club back to the level the fans demand (JUST DRAW, BABY), and all the players must do it together. There is a lot of quality here with players such as Robbie Keane (SERGEI REBROV), Simon Davies (SERGEI REBROV), Gus Poyet (SERGEI REBROV) and Christian Ziege (DID I MENTION SERGEI REBROV?) and we have the potential to achieve success.’