Arsenal America

Ahh Tottenham, they never fail to disappoint, do they? With a regularity normally only achieved with Colon Blow cereal they provide us with laughter. My comments, as always, IN ALL CAPS…

Tottenham’s early-season promise collapsed spectacularly (FOR THE 32ND CONSECUTIVE SEASON) when Fulham dished out a 3-0 home hammering for its first league victory at White Hart Lane since 1948.

Spurs’ victory against Leeds and draw at Liverpool suggested Glenn Hoddle had turned the corner (AND HE DID, UNFORTUNATELY THERE WAS A MACK TRUCK ON THE OTHER SIDE) — but this comprehensive defeat, which ended in front of a half-empty ground, revealed otherwise.

Barry Hayles, who hit a solitary league goal last season, was the Fulham hero, bagging a brace and setting up Luis Boa Morte for the Cottagers’ third (WHITE HART LANE, WHERE ORDINARY OPPONENTS BECOME LEGENDS!).

Frederic Kanoute had spurned a fine early opportunity for Spurs, shooting at Edwin van der Sar when clean through (DIDN?T TAKE FREDDIE LONG TO GET IN THE SPURS SPIRIT).

Hayles scored a fine individual goal in the 22nd minute, shrugging off three defenders (ARE THEY LEGALLY ALLOWED TO USE THE TERM DEFENDERS? AREN?T THERE LAWS AGAINST FALSE REPRESENTATION?) and arrowing a shot into the far corner.

Spurs hit back with Kanoute’s lob cleared off the line and Fulham fullback Moritz Volz heading against his own post (SOUNDS LIKE OUR BOY VOLZ CAME CLOSER TO SCORING AGAINST FULHAM THAN SPURS DID).

But Dean Richards’ error let Hayles in on goal in the 66th minute — and the former carpenter made no mistake, shooting past American Kasey Keller from 16 yards (KASEY IS THE 3RD BEST AMERICAN GOALIE IN THE EPL).

One bright spot for Hoddle was news his club has beaten Middlesbrough to the signing of Inter Milan midfielder Stephane Dalmat (SO THE HIGHLIGHT OF THEIR DAY WAS NEWS THAT THEY?VE SIGNED A PLAYER WHO HAS DONE NOTHING TO DISTINGUISH HIMSELF IN HIS CAREER).

The San Siro club agreed to lend the 24-year-old Frenchman to Boro — but Spurs nipped in and clinched a temporary deal stretching until the end of the season (OR HIS NOW INEVITABLE INJURY, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST).

Kanoute almost put Hoddle’s men ahead with 14 minutes on the clock (YES, AND LAST YEAR THEY ALMOST SIGNED RIVALDO).

Rohan Ricketts cunningly cut inside from the left wing and fed the former West Ham frontman, whose shot was blocked impressively by onrushing Edwin van der Sar (AH YES, FORMER GUNNER ROHAN RICKETTS. OTHER THAN HIS COMPLETE INABILITY TO SCORE, HE?S BEEN GREAT FOR SPURS SO FAR).

With some Spurs fans already leaving (I?D SAY THEY WERE THE SMART ONES, BUT THE SMART ONES DIDN?T SHOW AT ALL. ACTUALLY, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SMART SPURS FAN, IS THERE?), van der Sar saved well from Ricketts.

And Zamora was unable to get any power behind an awkward close-range prod (AWKWARD, CLOSE- RANGE PROD, SOUNDS LIKE A SCENE FOR THE SPURS POST-MATCH SHOWER ROOM) that bobbled into van der Sar’s grasp.

? Hoddle - “Stupid Spurs”

Glenn Hoddle bemoaned “stupid” Tottenham defending in the 3-0 home humbling by Fulham (YEAH, IF ONLY THEY HAD DEFENDED SMARTLY THEY COULD HAVE, ERM, DRAWN NIL-NIL)– then
backed expected new signing Stephane Dalmat to inject some zest into his side (LAST TIME I CHECKED YOU DIDN?T GET POINTS FOR ZEST).

“He’s a big midfield player who’s played at a good level at Inter, and he’d probably have performed a lot more for France over last five or six years if he hadn’t such competition (MAINLY FROM THE STARTED MIDFIELD FROM ARSENAL).”
Hoddle said: “We performed poorly and got what we deserved (AND THIS DIFFERS FROM THE LAST QUARTER CENTURY HOW?). Fulham were better than us. We were below standard (NO, THAT PRETTY MUCH IS YOUR STANDARD), gave away stupid goals, looked two yards short and didn’t pass the ball like we should.

“We gave away at least two early Christmas presents (BY THAT ANALOGY, SPURS ARE THE SANTA CLAUS OF THE EPL), and we can’t defend like that (INDEED YOU CAN, AND YOU DO QUITE OFTEN). “We performed well against Leeds and got a good point at Liverpool — but today was unacceptable. We looked fatigued, and what annoyed me was that we didn’t try to churn out a win. Sometimes, if it’s not going well, you need to show a different side to your game (IF SPURS HAVE TWO SIDES TO THEIR GAME, THEY ARE POOR AND ABYSMAL).”

Fulham boss Chris Coleman, who revealed he would have been ecstatic with a point today (UNTIL SOMEONE TOLD HIM IT WAS JUST SPURS), does not believe his club’s transfer woes inspired the team’s performance.

“Barry Hayles battled and worked hard, like everyone else. It’s never easy for a striker to play by himself against three defenders (UNLESS OF COURSE WE?RE TALKING ABOUT SPURS). And I’ve got to be honest and say I’d have been delighted with a draw, given our away form last season and last Saturday’s 3-1 defeat at Everton.”

Coleman, who played Hayles up front as a lone striker in a 4-5-1 formation, plans to utilize a similar system in away games this term (AND WONDERED ALOUD IF IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE TO PLAY SPURS SEVEN OR EIGHT MORE TIMES THIS SEASON).