Arsenal America

This article has got to have some of the most ridiculous whining I’ve seen in my life. Ronaldo and Giggs escape with fines and the ManUre scum still complain. There is only one solution to this: the MY COMMENTS IN CAPS treatment!
-Jason

Manchester United director Maurice Watkins has called for the Football Association to revise their ‘confrontational’ disciplinary hearings. (EVIDENTLY, WATKINS DIDN’T LIKE THE FA CONTINUALLY ASKING FOR AUTOGRAPHS DURING THE SESSION)

Watkins spent almost five hours in London yesterday unsuccessfully (HUH?) attempting to defend Ryan Giggs and Cristiano Ronaldo against charges of improper conduct following United’s stormy 0-0 draw with Arsenal at Old Trafford on September 21.

Despite receiving relatively meagre fines of ?7,500 and ?4,000 respectively, the Red Devils duo were disappointed with the verdict and may yet decide to launch an appeal. (I GUESS THEY DIDN’T FEEL THE FA ADEQUATELY KISS THEIR ASSES)

‘We’re disappointed. I’ll have to speak to the players and Maurice (Watkins) before making any further comment,’ manager Sir Alex Ferguson told a news conference on Tuesday.

But Watkins was equally angry on their behalf and also called into question the requirement for such a formal hearing. (WATKINS WAS HOPING FOR AN INFORMAL HEARING AT THE LOCAL STRIP CLUB)

‘I do not believe these cases should be pursued in such a confrontational way,’ he said.

‘Why can’t they be talked through in a less accusatorial manner as they used to be? (WOULD HE ALSO LIKE THE PLAYERS TO BE GIVEN COOKIES AND MILK, PATTED ON THE HEAD, AND TOLD WHAT GOOD BOYS THEY ARE?) Maybe it is an issue for another time but we have had to sit through this hearing for such a long time, mainly because neither player had been through anything like it before.’ (THEY COULD HAVE JUST GONE TO ROY KEANE FOR ADVICE)

The length of the hearing, which had been expected to take no more than a couple of hours, only increased the frustration of the United delegation.

Manager Sir Alex Ferguson had been forced to leave early to catch a flight to attend a prior engagement (SOME SICK ORPHANS NEEDED TO BE SCREAMED AT IN MANCHESTER), while Giggs and Ronaldo left stony-faced after the verdict had been delivered, clearly believing they had been victims of an injustice. (”I KEPT TELLING THEM IT WAS THE ONE-ARMED MAN,” GIGGS SAID AFTERWARD, “BUT NO ONE BELIEVED ME!”)

‘It would be fair to say that confronted with the same situation again - and I hope they won’t be - they would react in exactly the same manner (HANDBAGS AT 20 PACES!),’ said Watkins.

‘They were supporting and protecting a team-mate [THE HORSE-FACED GREMLIN] in the face of extreme provocation. They were very well placed to see the situation and they reacted to it.’

‘Ryan Giggs had never seen a situation like that before and neither had Sir Alex Ferguson (NO, HE’S ONLY BEEN INVOLVED IN SCREAMING MATCHES WITH REFEREES, KICKING BOOTS AT HIS OWN PLAYERS, AND DOING OTHER THINGS TO EARN THE NICKNAME “THE HUMAN HAIR DRYER”, BUT NOT ANYTHING LIKE THAT). As far as the two players are concerned, they became embroiled in a situation which was not of their making.

‘Ryan Giggs for one has an exemplary disciplinary record. In 11 years in the Premiership, he has never been sent off, never been the subject of any disciplinary hearing and received only 16 yellow cards. (UPON HEARING THIS, POPE JOHN PAUL II DECLARED THAT RYAN GIGGS WOULD BE HIS SUCCESSOR)

‘He takes great pride in the way he plays the game and would not get into any situation like that lightly.’

It is likely to be a couple of days before the pair decide whether to appeal against the punishment and there is a feeling within Old Trafford that the FA felt they had to be seen to act after handing down a combined nine-match ban to the three Arsenal players - Martin Keown, Lauren and Ray Parlour - who attacked Ruud van Nistelrooy after the final whistle. (EVIDENTLY I MISSED THE PART WHERE THE THREE OF THEM WENT LAPD ON HIM)