Arsenal America

In a continuing effort to keep all ArsenalAmerica readers up to date, G. Rex reaches his fuzzy green paw into the mountain of mail to answer selected questions…

Alright, the first one is actually an e-mail, from Bill and Melinda, from Redmond, Washington. They write:

Dear G. Rex:
My husband and I were wondering, is there any prerequisite for joining ArsenalAmerica? I mean, he’s a little nerdy, and socially quite awkward. Is there any way to “fit in” with a crowd like yours?
-Bill and Melinda (just Melinda, really)

Well, Melinda, one of the cool things about ArsenalAmerica is that the only thing that’s required is that you have to like Arsenal. You don’t even have to live in America! Soccer doesn’t have to be your favorite sport; you don’t have to hate ManU or Spurs; you don’t even have to use terms like “boot,” “pitch,” or “putting a dent in the old onion bag.” Of course, convincing your husband to contribute a modest honorarium might help.

On to the next correspondent, this time it’s Michael writing from Santa Monica, California. Michael writes on some unusual government-supplied stationery:

Dear G. Rex:
I might be going away for a long time, and I was wondering two things. First, how can I follow the Gunners here at [Address Deleted]? And, second, could you please take care of my friend Bubbles for me while I’m away?
Love, Michael

Well, Mike, if I can call you that, from what I hear, your destination has a fabulous cable setup; but if they have Comcast, you’re basically smoochin’ the pooch. That’s a figurative term, there, Mike. As far as Bubbles goes, I’m not a licensed veterinarian.

Okay, our third letter comes from Rocky, from Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. Rocky says:

Dear G. Rex:
I’ve been out of work for quite a while. But people still find me cute and adorable. I can even do some stunts, like flying for short distances, as long as my friend Bullwinkle gives me a boost. Do you think I have what it takes to break into the mascot business?
Signed, Rocky

What’s this, fan mail from some flounder? Rock, what do you want me to do, pull a rabbit out of my hat? It takes a long time to work up a good shtick like this, buddy. I suggest you and Bullwinkle go find out where that Gumby guy is and reminisce. He was a star, too, dammit.

Our final letter comes from someone who only identifies himself as “W.” - from Washington, DC. Rather nice stationery, too. “W.” writes:

Dear G. Rex:
I never thought I’d be writing to you, but I felt I just had to relate a recent experience. I just returned from an overseas trip - it was rather secretive and filled with energy and excitement. Though I didn’t know how exciting it would be until the return flight! There we were at 36,000 feet in a practically empty Boeing 747, when all of a sudden…

Look, “W.,” if that is even your real name! This is not that kind of column, okay? Ay, caramba!

Well, that’s all the time we have for now, folks. Until next time, this is me, your friend, G. Rex, signing off.

Please note: due to the volume of mail received, G. Rex cannot guarantee either publication of or personal reply to your letters. Nor can he guarantee that they all ain’t made up, either.