Arsenal America

Ed. Note - With impeccable timing, G. Rex returns to help break the tension of the nerve-wracking fortnight to come. Take it away G….

In a continuing effort to keep all Arsenal America readers up to date, G. Rex reaches his big, green, fuzzy (especially for a reptile) paw into the mountain of mail to answer selected questions…

Alright, the first one is from Martha S., from Westport, Connecticut – though she says she might soon be relocating to Danbury. She writes:

Dear G. Rex:
I might have some free time on my hands in the near future. Do you think I might be able to make some doilies that would match the Arsenal America flag? Or perhaps I could suggest some recipes that might make your springtime all the more festive?
Primly, Martha

Martha, my dear, I think the only thing you’ll be making in the next little while will say “Constitution State” rather than “Arsenal America.” With any luck, however, we may need someone to polish some newly acquired silverware. At 12 cents an hour, you might just get the job!

On to the next correspondent, this time it’s Janet J., writing from Malibu, California. Janet has an interesting question.

Dear G. Rex:
I need your advice. I know you perform in front of many people in stadiums at sporting events. Just how do you keep your costume from malfunctioning?
Affectionately, Janet

Well, Janet, a team of highly trained technicians takes care of my costume on the rare occasion that it is not in use. You’d be surprised how much shoe polish it takes to keep those size 46 EEEEEE Nikes looking like new! Of course, it seems as if you’ve got more than shoes to think about polishing. Perhaps we could let you know when Martha is tending to the silverware?

Okay, our third letter comes from Barney R., from Bedrock. Barney says:

Dear G. Rex:
It seems like I’m playing second fiddle all the time. My good-looking wife is always the center of attention when we’re together. My little son, Bam-Bam, is already stronger than I am. I even carpool with my neighbor, Fred – AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE A JOB! What shall I do?
Signed, Barney

Barney, ol’ buddy, ol’ chum. Look toward the positives here, pal. You have a charming wife, a fine boy, and your costume seldom malfunctions. Why not become a consultant to Janet J. of Malibu?

Our final letter comes from Vince McM., of Stamford, Connecticut. Vince writes:

Dear G. Rex:
With all the steroid controversy in the sporting world, I think I need new athlete-performers who are steroid-free. I understand that you are 6’ 7” and wear 46 EEEEEE shoes. Do you think you could step into the squared circle? For a price, of course.
With testosterone, Vince

Vince, Vince, Vince, Vince, Vince. Let me hook you up with Barney’s kid – Bam-Bam. Janet can be his lovely ring assistant, Barney can be the manager, and Martha can keep their books. Okay, forget that part about Martha – but I’m sure she can make you some fabulous “Constitution State” coasters.

Well, that’s all the time we have for now, folks. Until next time, this is me, your friend, G. Rex, signing off.

Please note: due to the volume of mail received, G. Rex cannot guarantee either publication of or personal reply to your letters. Nor can he guarantee that they all ain’t made up, either.