Time to break out the old ALL CAPS TREATMENT?
Santini is shock new Spurs boss
Tottenham have announced French national team coach Jacques Santini will take over as head coach at White Hart Lane after Euro 2004 (THE DETAILS OF WHAT WILL SURELY BE HIS ABRUPT DISMISSAL NINE MONTHS LATER WERE NOT DISCLOSED).
It brings to an end Spurs’ nine-month search for a successor to Glenn Hoddle after the former England manager was sacked following a poor run of form (THE TEAM WASN?T DOING TO WELL EITHER).
David Pleat took on the role of caretaker-manager until the end of the season (WHICH FOR SPURS WAS MID-DECEMBER), but left the club last month as chairman Daniel Levy started his overhaul of the backroom and playing staff.
Dutchman Frank Arnesen was appointed as sporting director and the confirmation of Santini’s appointment was announced to the Stock Exchange this evening (THE VALUE OF SPURS STOCK SKYROCKETED TO A 52-WEEK HIGH OF JACK-SQUAT).
‘I am delighted to get the opportunity to join Tottenham Hotspur,’ said 51-year-old Santini, who guided France to the Euro 2004 finals in Portugal, but was not offered a new deal by the French Football Federation (HOW BAD MUST THIS GUY BE? HE LEADS FRANCE THROUGH AN UNBEATEN QUALIFICATION RUN AND THEY STILL DON?T WANT HIM).
‘I am an ambitious man and it has always been a dream of mine to coach a big English club in the most exciting league in the world (UNTIL I CAN DO THAT, I?LL BE COACHING SPURS).
‘Tottenham Hotspur are a very big club, with a wonderful history and great traditions (THEY STINK ON ICE, BUT THEY ARE BIG, WITH A HISTORY AND TRADITION MOSTLY OF LOSING).
‘Daniel and Frank have outlined their vision and I share their ambitions (?HEY, I?M ALWAYS UP FOR A THREESOME!).
‘I am determined to help the club return to its place amongst the elite and look forward to joining after Euro 2004 (LEAGUE CUP SEMI-FINALS, HERE WE COME!).’
Levy met with axed Chelsea boss Claudio Ranieri earlier this week, and other names to have been linked with the White Hart Lane vacancy include Italy coach Giovanni Trapattoni and former Real Madrid boss Carlos Queiroz (CARROT TOP AND JESSICA SIMPSON TURNED DOWN OFFERS).
Tottenham, though, believe they now have the man who can bring success back to White Hart Lane (THEY FIGURE HE?LL LET THEM TOUCH THE EURO 2004 TROPHY ONCE).
‘He was the outstanding candidate because of his experience, coaching ability and track record at all levels,’ claimed Levy (OH YES, HE WAS ALSO THE ONLY ONE WHO SAID YES WHEN WE ASKED).
‘His arrival in addition to that of Frank Arnesen is the direct result of a comprehensive review of the football side of the club (THE REVIEW, INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH WAS THE SAME AS THAT OF THE SPINAL TAP ALBUM ?SHARK SANDWHICH?).
‘We now have a coaching set-up in place that has experience in several different countries and an extensive knowledge of players across the world. (CONGRATULATIONS, YOU?VE NOW JOINED THE OTHER 120 CLUBS IN EUROPE THAT HAVE THAT)’
Levy continued: ‘As I have said on previous occasions, we were always going to make this appointment at the end of the European season as it was our aim to appoint a top European coach.
‘The club and our fans have had to endure an unprecedented level of speculation regarding this appointment (TO GO ALONG WITH THE UNPRECEDENTED LEVEL OF HEARTACHE THE CLUB HAS GIVEN THEM) and this is undoubtedly due to the significant number of high calibre individuals who were interested in coming to Tottenham (?OOPS, SORRY, FELL OFF MY CHAIR THERE).
‘The supporters have been very patient and for that I thank them. I hope that they now feel that their patience has been rewarded (YES, THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF A NEW COACH, THAT?S ALL ANY SUPPORTER REALLY WANTS. NOT TROPHIES OR QUALITY PLAY, JUST THE NAMING OF A NEW GAFFER).
‘With Jacques on board, an existing talented squad and further strengthening over the summer, we can now look forward to the start of next season with renewed optimism (NOW, IF WE CAN JUST GET ARSENAL, MANU, CHELSEA, LIVERPOOL, NEWCASTLE, VILLA, FULHAM AND BOLTON KICKED OUT OF THE LEAGUE, WE?LL HAVE A SHOT AT THE UEFA CUP).?
Arnesen added: ‘Jacques has a wealth of experience both as a player and as a coach (SO DID HODDLE, HOW?D THAT WORK OUT?).
‘He has won honours at both national and international level and his reputation in Europe and amongst other respected figures in the game is excellent (TERRIFIC, WILL HE BE PLAYING AS WELL? OH, THEN YOU STILL HAVE MASSIVE PROBLEMS).
‘In my opinion he was by far and away the best candidate short-listed for the position and I am very happy that we have succeeded in bringing him to the club (ALSO ON THE SHORTLIST: BILL SHANKLEY, VINCE LOMBARDI, G. REX AND THE GIRL CRYING IN THE PHOTO ABOVE).’
16 Responses to “Spurs Hire New Coach - Will Only Finish 30 Points Behind Arsenal Next Year”
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June 3rd, 2004 at 4:38 pm
I must admit, its a coup of sorts. I think he could finish fairly well and have some good games. Its bodes badly for us and Chelsea though. Both clubs have dominated Spurs but the derbies are physically and emotionally draining. It makes the over all league stronger.
June 3rd, 2004 at 11:22 pm
I am a bit surprised that Santini would want to coach Spurtz… they have a good coach now… and certainly could have done much worse!
June 4th, 2004 at 9:41 am
Its probably just another example of grist for the rumor mill, but I just read that there is talk of Silvain Wiltors joining Santini at Spurs.
Ewwwww.
June 4th, 2004 at 9:43 am
Any column with a “Spinal Tap” reference is a top notch piece of work, and this is no exception.
I must say I was a bit miffed that sperzz didn’t contact me, as my record with U-9 Rec. Girls is right in line with their recent results….
June 4th, 2004 at 9:58 am
Sylvan Wiltord still has alot of GOOD football left in him… he still plays for the French National Team! but he can’t get into our squad!!!
He had 2 goals in their latest international match… and he could EASILY do well next season wherever he goes. If I were Spurtz and Santini… I would be trying VERY HARD to get Super Sylv on my team.
He is very much an upgrade to what they have, and he is a WINNER, not a wanna be.
June 4th, 2004 at 11:53 am
Wiltord is a world class talent, bracing in a recent friendly I believe, and Spurs WOULD be lucky beyond words to have him. Still, imagine his return to Highbury if he were to sign.
Not pretty.
June 4th, 2004 at 12:04 pm
Coach, as always, thank you for recognizing the humour. Now the real question is, did you know what that two word review was?
June 4th, 2004 at 12:25 pm
So it’d be the opposite side of the coin for when Sol Campbell returned to WHL then…
— Geoff
June 4th, 2004 at 12:26 pm
If he were to get booooed at Highbury for going to the Totts… then it would show utter ignorance on the part of any supporter that didn’t CHEER him.
He certainly wants to play for the Arsenal… we just don’t want his services any longer. I’d assume Kanu is in the same situation… wants to remain here, we don’t want him. I see him being a success to a lesser degree somewhere else as well. Both of these guys have lots of talent and were faithful servants at Highbury. Wiltord has won the WC and was integral in all our recent trophies (bar this year).
He deserves a ROUSING ovation if he ever comes back to Highbury, regardless of who he is playing for. (JUST FOR “THAT GOAL” at Old Trafford alone)
June 4th, 2004 at 12:27 pm
The thing is, there’s also a massive difference in the quality of players the France national side has and Tottenham. For France he can cherry-pick the best of the bunch. Managing a national side and a club are two very different beasts.
— Geoff
June 4th, 2004 at 12:30 pm
No, actually… I don’t agree.
Sol chose to leave Spurs. Wiltord wants to remain and play for the Arsenal. We seem to not have room for him in the squad. In my eyes, a big difference. He is a soccer player, and needs to get paid to apply his skills. If Spurs is one of the highest bidders, how can any of US complain. We are showing him the door…
SOL chose Arsenal over Spurs.
June 4th, 2004 at 12:31 pm
Thats obviously true…. but Santini is by far, a better coach than the Totts have seen in a long time. This is a step forward in my opine… for the tottering totts…
June 4th, 2004 at 1:11 pm
After giving it some more thought, I agree that Wiltord might be given a warm reception by some, considering his allegiance to The Arsenal never really wavered. Others who regard the change as dispicable reagardless of the circumstances may even give him some pity applause.
But what if they make a run, which seems likely on some level? Other possibilites to heinous to mention could change how he is received, as well. Not getting into them.
June 4th, 2004 at 1:30 pm
When you release a player… basically saying that we have no more use for you… thanks for the memories and the service, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out… then that would be on THE ARSENAL…
See: Roger Clemens
RedSox let him go… said he is in the twilight of his career… many Cy Young awards later and a few titles as a member of the HATED Yankees… we as RedSox fans realize it wasn’t Roger wanted to leave and that he still had alot left in the tank.
I hope Wiltord doesn’t prove “THAT” successful wherever he goes, but especially if its Spurs… but I couldn’t blame the player for that. It would provide incentive for him to do well, especially against us.
June 4th, 2004 at 2:10 pm
Hold on one second. The Red Sox let Clemens go because he tanked it in ‘96 at the age of 33, going 10-13. After the Red Sox let him go he ‘found Jesus’ by working out again like a monster.
Roger Clemens is dead to me. Can’t stand that phoney bastard.
June 9th, 2004 at 12:35 am
“Shit Sandwich”
“Where did they print that? They can’t print that, can they?”