Arsenal America

On my couch, for the past several weeks, has sat a paperback copy of Nick Hornby’s “About a Boy.” I’ve been meaning to re-read it for some time. Not so much for the story in the book, but to learn more about writing. You can tell, when you look at a well-crafted work, what’s gone into it. The effort, the toil, the patience.

Then, last week, I was confronted with Jimmy Fallon at Fenway Park. There in the “cheap” (read: expensive) “seats” (Why was he, after all, stainding?) being interviewed on network television. All I could think of was those SNL sketches with Rachel Dratch about the moron high-schoolers obsessed with the Red Sox. “You’wha reee-tahd!” “Nowah, you’wha reee-tahd!”

Then, it hit me. He’s plugging “Fever Pitch!” Jimmy, you’re going the extra mile to plug a film that’s already in the can, but won’t be out for months! You’re the MAN!

It didn’t even occur to me that they were shooting the alternate ending to the movie. After all, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Later, of course, after the Red Sox win, Jimmy’s swapping spit with Drew Barrymore on the emerald turf of Fenway Park. Eek, Jimmy, I hope you’ve had your shots.

There are several lessons to be learned here. First, let’s make certain that the Sp*rs don’t win another trophy for several decades longer than the Red Sox. Second, if Drew Barrymore wants to be your soul-mate, turn her down.

And, finally, when you option your book, don’t go to the Farrelly brothers. It’ll turn into “About a Girl.” Or, “How to Be Okay.” Or, “Medium Fidelity.”

Now, I’ll pick up the copy of “About a Boy.”

-G. Rex

DISCLAIMER: I went to college with Bobby Farrelly. He’s done some good work. I hope this is okay, too.