Arsenal America

Jacques Santini has quit as coach of Tottenham Hotspur. (ALREADY? WE NEVER EVEN FIGURED OUT WHY HE WENT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!)

The former France coach has left White Hart Lane because of personal reasons, after just five months and 13 matches in charge. (IT JUST SEEMED LIKE AN ETERNITY)

His decision to quit is a massive blow to Spurs (BUT NOT AS MASSIVE AS BEING SP*RS), who had begun the Barclays Premiership season well - albeit with a scarcity of goals - under the Frenchman.

Assistant coach Martin Jol will take charge of the team for tomorrow’s match at home to Charlton, and Spurs will make no further statement on the situation until Monday. (TRANSLATION: WE HAVE NO CLUE WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO)

Santini said: ‘My time at Tottenham has been memorable (ABOUT AS MEMORABLE AS A JENNIFER LOPEZ MARRIAGE), and it is with deep regret that I take my leave. (THERE WERE REPORTS THAT CHAMPAGNE CORKS COULD BE HEARD POPPING IN THE BACKGROUND, BUT THAT’S UNCONFIRMED)

‘Private issues in my personal life have arisen which caused my decision. (HE GOT TIRED OF HIS WIFE SAYING “YOU QUIT AS NATIONAL TEAM COACH TO GO WHERE?”) I have therefore requested to return to France.

‘I very much hope that the wonderful fans (WAIT…I THOUGHT HE MANAGED AT SP*RS) will respect my decision. I should like to thank (sporting director) Frank Arnesen and (chairman) Daniel Levy for their understanding. I wish the club and the supporters all the best for the season.’

Arnesen has voiced the club’s disappointment at Santini’s decision but wished him well.

Arnesen said: ‘We are obviously disappointed that Jacques is leaving us. We fully respect his decision.

‘I can assure you that the club will act swiftly to minimise the impact of Jacques’ departure. (LORD KNOWS HIS ARRIVAL HAD MINIMAL IMPACT) Our priority is to ensure that this season’s performance remains unaffected by this move. (IN THAT CASE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST HIRE A CHIMP TO MANAGE…OR GLENN HODDLE…SAME DIFFERENCE)

‘I shall make a further statement on Monday, clarifying our position. (11TH AND PLUMETTING, LAST I LOOKED) We wish Jacques well.’

After a long search following the decision to sack Glenn Hoddle last season, Spurs appointed Santini in July.

He helped Spurs to a fine start, but they have slipped down the Premiership table to 11th in recent weeks. (YEP, I WAS RIGHT)

Former Tottenham captain Gary Mabbutt does not believe the club will be seriously affected by Santini’s departure because Jol and Arnesen are still in place. (BECAUSE THE CLUB HAS HAD SO MUCH SUCCESS UNDER THEM IN THE PAST…WAIT…)

However, he does foresee continuing problems if Spurs cannot improve on their goalscoring record of six goals in 11 league games. (THAT’S RIGHT UP THERE WITH THE NUMBER OF GOALS IN THE NHL THIS SEASON)

Mabbutt told Five Live: ‘I don’t think it’ll be a huge problem because he hasn’t been there that long.

‘As far as the club’s concerned, they brought in the management team of Jacques Santini, Martin Jol and Frank Arnesen to work together so it’ll be interesting to see if they bring anyone else in. (I THINK IT WOULD BE MORE ACCURATE TO ASK IF ANYONE ELSE WANTS TO GO THERE)

‘The team has worked very hard defensively but if you look at the games, the fans would say that going forward we’ve been lacking.’ (BUT IT GOES ALONG WITH THE SP*RS PHILOSOPHY…WHY GO FORWARD WHEN YOU CAN GO BACKWARD?)

Earlier this season Santini revealed he was working so hard he was still living out of a suitcase. (MUST BE ONE DAMN BIG SUITCASE)

He said: ‘I am always working and I don’t have Sky or anything in the hotel. (OBVIOUSLY, SP*RS GOT HIM THE BEST HOTEL THEY COULD AFFORD) I am disappointed because I have no time for the Olympic Games (YOU DIDN’T MISS MUCH) - can you tell me who won the 200 metres?

‘I only know the football results from the Premiership on Wednesday. I finish the day at 10pm or 11pm and I start at 7am. This is all Tottenham. (IF ANY NFL OR COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACHES WERE TO READ THIS, THEY WOULD CHOKE ON THEIR POWERBAR)

‘My wife and I do not have an apartment after two months here. We are still in a hotel, because I’ve not had the time to look for a house. (I’VE BEEN IN TAIWAN SEVEN MONTHS AND I STILL LIVE IN A HOTEL. YOU HEAR ME COMPLAINING?)

‘Even after meeting the press I’ve got a meeting with my assistant coaches, then there is training, then a meeting with my advisers about my national insurance. (EVERY DAY? I GUESS YOU NEED DISASTER INSURANCE AT WHITE HART LANE…) I’m far too busy to watch television.’

Former Tottenham director of football David Pleat, who stepped down before Santini’s appointment, urged the fans not to panic. (SP*RS FANS RESPONDED BY HURLING A BOTTLE AT PLEAT’S HEAD)

He told Five Live: ‘People should not over-react, they’ll find someone quick and hopefully they will have a good season. They have some very good players there.’ (ACTUALLY, PLEAT WAS TALKING ABOUT WEST BROM)