by Brett Stein
With the opening match of the 2012/13 campaign rapidly approaching, Arsenal America contributor Brett Stein (@JerZGooner) was given access for an exclusive interview with the fearless leader of The Gunners. What follows is an unedited transcript that covers new signings, exiting players, the addition of Steve Bould and many other topics all Gooners are sure to be interested in learning more about.
Brett Stein (BS): Thank you for taking the time out of your pre-season preparations to speak with us. Can you tell us what you were doing since the end of the last campaign and the start of preseason? Did you take a vacation?
WengerQuotes (WQ): No [vacation], I played Football Manager to help me with scouting new players. I am little bit frustrated with the Arsenal board for not giving me more money so I went into the editor and cheated. I did sell Bendtner for little bit more than 11m to PSG. I wish it was true.
BS: You have had quite a busy off-season thus far, Football Manager not withstanding, care to comment on the players you’ve brought in?
WQ: Yes we have been little bit busy, I fink Podolski is a good player with great cheek bones. I was pleased that we forced Cazorla to sign. The gun to his head was Steve Bould’s idea. Is Giroud the new Chamakh? No I believe he will score more than one goal this season.
BS: You mentioned some of the new additions, but please provide us some insights on the players who may not be in the squad once the transfer window closes.
WQ: I don’t want to comment on speculation but no one wants Chamakh. Arshavin is in Lithuania with Bendtner.
BS: What of these new Barcalona rumors and Alex Song?
WQ: Alex wants to explore his options, so we sent him to the Amazon rainforest.
WQ: Wilshire, Diaby and Cazorla will be like new signings which will bring a consistent consistency [to the squad]. I don’t want to talk about van Persie…But as I said I don’t want to comment in speculation.
BS: I understand your secrecy and you aren’t interested in speaking about van Persie’s situation, but would you please comment on Alex Ferguson’s statement last week that he is frustrated dealing with you and AFC?
WQ: I haven’t spoken to Alex. Is he frustrated little bit because he could cause a fight by himself in a padded room? I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about Van Persie, Ferguson or other clubs. Or about Howard Webb. Or football. Or anything. I want a slush puppie. Red flavour.
BS: Have you any news updates regarding the health of Jack Wilshere?
WQ: Yes, Jack will return to full training in October 2019. Our medical team have made little bit mistake by removing his spleen instead of treating his actual injury…. Which I don’t remember what the injury was. I don’t blame them though. To come from team leader in McDonald’s to becoming Head Physio at a club like Arsenal, without being able to read? This shows little bit determination. This is what we look for at a club like The Arsenal.
BS: Turning from the players to the coaching staff, can you tell our readers what pre-season camp is like without Pat Rice? Alternatively, what has Steve Bould been bringing to the pitch?
WQ: Camp without Paddy is little bit more sober. No, not quiet. I meant sober. As in less alcohol. But we do miss his speeches. Although no one understood him. Anyway, Bouldy has no hair but we don’t care because we are not racists. I don’t care what passport you have, if you are good enough we will sign you. He has tightened up the defense little bit. With glue I fink. He is like a new signing.
BS: Have there been any contract developments with Theo Walcott?
WQ: Yes. I have told him to sign or I will continue to threaten him with sharing a room with Jens Lehmann on away games. [An aide whispers into his ear] What? What do you mean Jens has left??
BS: How about the signings you’ll be making before the transfer window closes? Will you finally get to spend some of last summer’s profits from the sale of Nasri and Fabregas? Maybe you’ll be spending van Persie’s profits?
WQ: Yes I was thinking of buying myself a new coffee cup with “Le Boss” printed on it.
BS: Any predictions for the upcoming season?
WQ: I predict we will be little bit start the season in August and then we will finish the season in May.
BS: Very clever. Is there anything you would like to say to your fans and the club supporters in the United States?
WQ: Yes you must all follow me on twitter right this second or I will sell Vermaelen. But seriously, I hope for a great season and to beat Spurs and make them cry. Thank you.
BS: Thank you for your time.
@WengerQuotes is a must follow on Twitter, a comedic genius and is NOT actually Arséne Wenger (as you hopefully gathered by now). His alter ego lends insights into the mind of “Le Boss” that are regularly hilarious. COYG!